What is Wrong With People?

When I do need to go into work, I have a short commute. I mean really short, as in seven minutes on a bicycle. I also go early in the morning, so there is hardly any traffic. I guess I’ve gotten out of touch with what happens in the savage gladiatorial world that is the roadway. It has gotten so bad that I am actually calling for GOVERNMENT ACTION to get things under control.

This summer, I had the opportunity to participate in an archaeological dig at the home of one of the least-known founding fathers of the United States, Oliver Ellsworth. It was great fun while I was digging, but it meant four hours of highway driving every day for two weeks. (At this point, I think my father would mumble something about “wear and tear on the car.” Does he mean the seat upholstery will tear?) Here are some of the behaviors I observed:

  • People using hand-held cellular telephones while driving. “Of course,” you’re saying. “Those damn kids again.” Wrong! Out of thousands of cars (actually, I have no idea of the number; it may have been thousands per day), I only saw one teenager breaking the law this way. The rest were professional types in their 50s wearing leopard-print dresses in their Audi SUVs (sub-utilized vehicles), and tradesmen wearing Oakley sunglasses (aerodynamics is important when painting a house) in beaten-up American pickups. These are supposedly-mature adults who are so desperate that we all think they’re with it that they will endanger the lives of everyone around them by stroking their screens. If this doesn’t demonstrate the addictive characteristics of hand-held electronics, what could?
  • People passing in the slow vehicle lanes on hills. Every single time. There was not a single instance when someone didn’t jump into this lane (which, in case you’ve forgotten, is marked “SLOW VEHICLES!”) and pass on the right, thinking he was putting one over on all of us suckers. EVERY SINGLE TIME. “Why is this dangerous,” you ask? Because when one of these morons finishes passing on the right, he invariably barges back into the middle lane, endangering those of us who pass legally on the left and then move to the middle again. Don’t tell me it’s my responsibility to watch out for people who are breaking the law.
  • People using on-ramps as illegal passing-on-the-right zones. This was a completely new one on me. I have been driving for thirty years and I had never seen this happen until my two weeks of highway commuting. The solid white line on the right side of the road means “DON’T CROSS THIS.” Why? Imagine you’re minding your own business and starting to get up to speed on an entrance to merge onto a highway. Out of nowhere, some irresponsible jerk jumps into your way. He’s wrong, but you’re still damaged and/or injured if you collide.
  • People driving through construction zones to pass on the right and merge later than anyone else. Are you kidding? I have always wondered why drivers in heavy traffic allow late mergers to enter ahead of them. But this takes it to a whole new level of entitlement and stupidity. THE SHOULDER IS CLOSED BECAUSE PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT COCOONED IN TWO TONS OF GLASS AND STEEL ARE WORKING THERE! People you could kill while you look at low-quality pictures of your “friend”‘s sushi. And, of course, when you barge your way back into traffic (why isn’t there more tire-puncturing construction debris left about?), you will be one of those
  • People turning and changing lanes without signaling. I know; that’s none of my business. Why would someone driving near you need to know what your self-propelled killing machine is going to do next? I’ll stop being voyeuristic and go back to looking at cat videos. While you’re at it, why don’t you disconnect your brake lights, too? That way, the rest of us will simply need to gaze at you in anticipation at all times. But seriously, did I miss something? Have turn signals become illegal since Inauguration Day? Probably not, because quite a few of the drivers who did this had Bernie Sanders stickers on their cars. (They’d vote to share everyone’s income, but can’t be bothered to share the road. Interesting.) After the first three days of this lunacy, I actually brought a pitch counter with me and kept track. (I know what you’re thinking, but it’s just a small cube of metal with a button on it that moves a mechanical counter. No screen tapping required.) Fewer than half of the movements cars made had a turn signal associated with them. People didn’t signal more than often than they did, and that was only what happened near me.

After this two-week eye-opener, I started to notice similar behavior among drivers everywhere. People aren’t just committing California stops at intersections. They’re simply driving through without even touching the brakes. Not a signal light to be seen anywhere. Passing on narrow country roads abounding with deer, pets, and playing children. And, most annoying and distracting of all, why doesn’t anyone turn down their high beams any more? I think I know the answer to this one, and it led me into the steps I think we need to take.

  1. Ban any innovation in cars that takes away the need to be careful or concentrate on driving. It all started with the automatic transmission. “I don’t need to worry about shifting gears. The car will do it for me.” BAD IDEA. First of all, this frees up a driver’s gearshift hand to eat, put on makeup, or send and receive meaningless, stupid, self-congratulatory text messages. Ask any driver who still uses a manual stick shift how much closer attention he must pay to the terrain, his speed, and his engine revs. These are good things. he is concentrating on DRIVING. But besides shifting, look at all the things cars claim to do for you now: warn you about drifting out of your lane, warn you when you get too close to another car (and sometimes even apply the brakes for you), turn on your headlights, turn on your wipers, parallel park. . . When will it end? (And, no, Americans will never take to self-driving cars. We already have them. They are called busses and trains, and people only use them in places where driving is too miserable an experience, like New York.) I think all of the drivers that leave their high beams shining at me, forcing me to take my eyes off the road or go temporarily blind, think that the car will switch to low beams for them. Why should they need to bother? Maybe some of them think the cars will signal turns automatically. “Great! I’m too busy ‘liking’ some anti-Trump posts to signal my turn.” Even safety innovations create hazards. I’ll say that again. Safety innovations like computerized four-wheel drive, anti-lock brakes, and air bags make the roads more dangerous. Why do you think idiots go bombing around on icy roads looking at their phones? They think the cars will keep them from crashing, and in the unlikely event of a crash, safety features will protect them from any bodily harm. People need to understand that, besides raising children, driving is the most awesome (in the Biblical sense) responsibility they have. Citizens should be a little nervous and cautious when they pilot a four thousand pound object at speed within inches of others.
  2. Sue cellular telephone companies for creating an addictive product and not providing enough warning in their marketing. Remember when the Clinton Justice Department under Janet Reno sued tobacco companies for the same reasons? Everyone applauded that. This one needs no further explanation.
  3. Ban the use of the word “accident” to describe an automobile mishap. We seem to feel that “accidents happen.” Well, that means I’m not responsible when I drive into another car, right? WRONG. If something goes wrong on the road, it happens because one or both drivers chose to do something illegal or unsafe. No exceptions. Even encountering deer or fog. When traffic authorities set speed limits, they take into account everything that might happen, and set an ABSOLUTE MAXIMUM speed you may drive under ideal conditions of traction and visibility. If it’s raining or dark or foggy, you must slow down. (Not many drivers seem to know this. See Point #4 for details.) So what term would I substitute for “accident?” Some have suggested “crash,” but I don’t think this asserts enough blame. I would use NeRD. It would stand for “Negligence Resulting in Damage/Death.” Then people might realize that nothing is accidental when negligence is involved.
  4. Require annual written and on-road testing for every driver. This is the most obvious one of all, but the one sure to cause the most outcry. But think about the absurdity, in any other arena, of certifying competence once and then turning someone loose for the rest of his life. You would fight that with every fibre of your being. We had the Revolution and gained independence from Great Britain because one person became a leader and held the position for life. He could not adapt to changing conditions and realities (read the Declaration of Independence for details), so we substituted a system with periodic recertifications of leaders (elections). We require doctors (who do hold our lives in their hands) and classroom teachers (who do not) to participate in professional development learning throughout their careers. Airline pilots must pass both physical and professional exams every year, despite the fact that, worldwide, only 325 people died from air travel in 2016 out of 3.5 billion who flew. Drivers can operate cars from age 16 to age 116 without any periodic health or skill checks, and automobiles killed 40,000 in the United States alone that same year. Our population is about 350 million. Hey, they want all decisions made on the basis of BIG DATA, right? The data could not possibly paint a clearer picture. People who operate motor vehicles should be reminded every year about the laws, about dangerous behaviors, and about their responsibilities. “No way! That’s too inconvenient!” Too bad. If safety is inconvenient for you, don’t drive.

I wish, too, that it were more difficult to obtain a driver’s license in this country. I wish all of the tests were given on manual-transmission cars, and I wish drivers had to be able to proceed safely in hazardous conditions like ice and snow. The first time you slide should not be in the middle of rushing to work, but under skilled supervision. And won’t all of this cost more? Sure, but think of all of the increased revenue from the more-frequent testing. More money? Hey, I just thought of another reform:

5. Require police to ticket infractions with zero tolerance. “Wait! That’s too much work. There aren’t enough cops to do all that!” Gotcha. #s 2 and 4 would give us lots more money to hire police. And I’m tired of hearing about how minor violations should be overlooked. For the sake of what? People’s feelings? Rubbish. Any official, whether a federal employee, a cop, a school administrator or teacher, or a parent, who does not enforce the rules is a coward. If you don’t like confrontation, get another job. When people get away with breaking “small, unimportant” rules and laws, that behavior becomes habit. The more someone gets away with, the more he will try. And so we get the driving behavior I started with. THAT KILLED 40,000 PEOPLE LAST YEAR.

Once again, Ronald Reagan had the right idea:

“There are no easy answers, but there are simple answers. We must have the courage to do what we know is morally right.”

 

 

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Let Him Without Sin Cast the First Stone

When we were in high school, my friend Wes decided that we should get into competitive cycling. It was a heady time: Alexi Grewal had won the men’s cycling road race at the 1984 Los Angeles Olympics, Greg LeMond was starting to make waves in the European peloton, and bicycles were beautiful.

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(Tell me I’m wrong. I dare you.)

Anyway, I had fun training, but I was hopeless at racing. Since college, I have ridden varying amounts from year to year, and I’ve begun to train more seriously in the last three. It takes some courage and dedication, as cyclists encounter many hazards in the course of a ride. To show you what I mean, I took a gentle sixteen-mile spin on a summer afternoon, and I encountered all of the following.

First, the pavement on the part of the road I use is awful.

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And it continues.

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(What line can I take?)

And, lest you thing this is an isolated area, look at this:

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“That’s not so bad,” you might be saying. But look more closely:

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See that? The town has re-painted the lines over the places where the top layer has chipped away. It considers this normal!

Some of the permanent road fixtures can cause problems, too.

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In order to avoid that grating, I’d need to be in the gravel on the right-hand side or halfway out into the lane of traffic. And here’s how the town alerts drivers to that possibility:

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(That will be hidden by the brush in a matter of weeks.)

There are plenty of hazards if I stay to the right. Some can cause flats and/or crashes:

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sticks,

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bars of sharp, rusty metal,

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elevated drains and protruding barrels,

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objects made for puncturing other things.

But wait, there’s more.

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If the rock doesn’t crash you, the gravel still can.

Here’s an oldie but a goodie:

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(“One third more flats than our regular beer.”)

This looks promising and picturesque:

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But beware! Because here a picture is worth exactly one word:

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(Insert your favorite excremental euphemism.)

The cow sign was a warning, not a promise.

Some thing I see just make me wonder.

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(“Many roadway users ignore the importance of oral hygiene. Imagine trying to avoid oncoming traffic with popcorn husks lodged in your teeth. A recipe for disaster.”)

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At least they’re concerned about skin cancer.

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That must have been an interesting night.

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(“Fore!”)

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I have absolutely no idea.

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Got tired of scrubbing dishes while driving?

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(“Nevermore.”)

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(“Light my fire!”)

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(“Since you’ve already lost your shoe, Junior, there’s no reason to keep your sock on.”)

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Racist.

The detritus by the side of the road can really throw a

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into your ride.

Given the amount of litter that, at best, spoils the scenery, and, at worst, can injure you, it’s not surprising that cyclists often campaign for clean, safe, well-paved roads. That’s why I am so surprised to note a peculiar phenomenon in the past few months.

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What’s that?

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Some CYCLIST, eating a natural source of potassium, just jettisoned the skin into the path of other riders. Just a little way up the road,

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another,

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And another!

This is dangerous. Question: why has the banana peel been a staple of slapstick comedy for a century?

 

If you said “Low coefficient of static friction,” you’re correct! There are enough hazards out there without cyclists themselves creating slipping danger. Plus it’s unsightly. “But,” you’re saying, “a banana is natural! It will just biodegrade.” Well, consider the following peel cluster:

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They dry out and blacken, but they don’t go away. You can still see the sticker on this one:

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This one’s been around so long that it has become part of a litter still-life:

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Here’s what it looks like when a cyclist throws one on someone’s lawn:

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Riders are not only throwing banana peels. They are tossing orange peels

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and even water bottles before climbs.

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(“That’s so pro.”)

I know what you’re thinking now: “How do you know cyclists threw those thing away and not drivers?” I posit that, these days, this

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(“Supersize!”)

is far more likely to have come from an automobile.

So, why are cyclists doing this? Are they trying to look like pros? They still don’t. Are they marking their territory like dogs?

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Disgusting. If we as cyclists want people to be considerate of us and stop littering, we need to lead by example. Bring a plastic sandwich bag and carry your garbage home. Otherwise, all we’ll have is

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‘Murica the Beautiful,

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the land of the free and the home of the bros.

Let’s be better than that.